My dear, dear friend posted this and requested that people comment. I have been in utter neglect of this blog due to...well, life, and decided that it was time that I posted something. Go to my friend's website when you have a chance. She's an amazing writer!

As for me, here are my answers to her questions.

What do you love the most? Aside from the obvious? Everyone says that they love God, family, friends, etc... For me, it's really my husband that I love the most right now. Even on his worst days, he's still the greatest man I know.

What do you hate the most? People who are close-minded and judgmental of others. People who cannot be respectful of others thoughts, feelings, and actions. Not everyone thinks the same and makes the same decisions... Most times, we assume that people see the world as we do, but they don't. It would do us all some good to remember that.

What scares you the most? Bugs, specifically spiders. Not knowing how to handle situations. Becoming a hateful person. Being alone. Not saying the right thing to someone when they need me the most. Being a disappointment to myself...and my parents.

What do you want more than anything right now? a whole gaggle of "selfish" things: money to go back to school, money to go on vacation, money to pay the mortgage, money to buy a new car so that my hour and a half commute to jail is at least air-conditioned and has good gas mileage, more time with my husband...

and if I'm honest with myself and those around me...happiness.

What do you expect from life? More than what it has been giving me lately... Truthfully, I just want to enjoy life and accomplish the goals and dreams that I have.

What does the homeland mean to you? A place that you are happy to represent...

Why do we work?

My boss came back from a 5 day long weekend and said to me, "I come to work to find peace." I marveled. The whole time that she was gone (and much of the time before she left) I was having panic attacks, moments where I was begging the world to create a drug that not only cures physical pain but mental and spiritual anguish. If you asked me where I go to find peace, I'd say nowhere.

She went on to explain how, when she arrives at home, it's "Mommy, where's this" or "Honey, I can't find that." I don't really have much in the way of those troubles. My husband and I are two adults who pretty much know where everything is and very rarely actually need to ask about where things are or who's making dinner.

All of this led me to try and figure out why do I (we) come to work. Here's what I could come up with.

1. Money- Money makes the world go around...that clinking clanking sound can make the world go 'round.

We work so that we can provide; whether it's for ourselves or our family. We need money to pay for food, shelter, clothing, transportation, etc. Money, for many people (not all), directly relates to our level of happiness. If we have a lot of money, we are happy. If we have very little money, we are sad.

2. For something to do...

I think this happens because, for some, staying at home is boring after a while. Sure, we all imagine what it would be like to stay at home. To not have to work or do anything. In the end, I think it would become boring and you'd be begging for something to do. I have never met anyone who could do the same thing, day in and day out, without any change or variation to their routine. Doing the same thing every day (even if it's sitting at home) can be really really boring. In some cases, it can get very old, very quickly.

3. Status...

We like to think that we don't look down at people but, let's be honest. If a person doesn't have a job (traditional or non-traditional) and it's a year later, we may be a little judgmental towards that person. (Disclaimer: This does not include Stay At Home Mom's, etc. who have a job that I sometimes feel is more difficult and frustrating than my own.)

I fall mainly in category #1. Money rules my life. When I get a raise, I am immediately happy. That money is going to increase my savings or to pay off debt. When I lack money, I am sad. When I have money, I act like I have no cares in the world (not a single one...not even world hunger.) But, there comes a point where, whether you have money or not, it does not matter.

I actually had my performance review while I was out sick due to blood clot. My boss, who apologized profusely for calling me at home, awarded me with an "Exceeded Expectations" and a raise. I didn't even really care. I had been going to my job, doing my work, coming home and feeling like I had been drained with no life energy left to give.

Don't get me wrong. The job market sucks. I am glad to have a job. And as much as I joke, I do enjoy helping those through teaching. I know that I have the potential to help people to change their circumstance and help them open doors that were, at one time, locked and bolted shut.

But if I'm truly honest with myself, I work for the money, not the prestige or satisfaction.

Faults.

As an educator, trainer, and all around life-long learner, it's hard for me to admit that I make mistakes. It's even harder because I pride myself on being a good teacher and learner. So today, in training I had to take a step back and ask myself (and the person running the training) some tough questions.

We have the great pleasure of having 15 Dell computers (serviced by yours truly) that are all outfitted with Novanet, an educational software used in many public school systems and correctional facilities. It's main use is for assessments of students in the facility. It's secondary use is to help those students in different areas of study based off of a specialized GED curriculum.

We reviewed our uses for the lab (which we've had for almost two years) and took an in depth look at some of the sections, including one of mine, aptly labeled "Pre-GED Mathematics with Ms. L." A huge mistake that I had made was, of course, prominent and a great way for the trainer to talk about some changes that may need to be implimented. The software allows for students to take a pre-test, get assigned a prescription of work based off of the pre-test and then take a post-test (to see if they learned anything). One student received an 87 on the pre-test and was assigned some prescriptive work. However, the trainer thought it would have been better to that students learning to just manually move them on through. Of course, he was right. It was hard for me to admit my mistake.

Instead, I just asked questions, making sure I understood what my priorities were...shifted around in my seat and tried not to look like I was on the defensive.

There are no perfect teachers. We are not designed like Burger King where each student can have their education as they want it (or, more importantly, as they need it). And, although I have my faults, I think the bigger fault would have been if I didn't care to listen, review and try to learn from those around me to be a better teacher.

Nobody is perfect.

Nobody.

A recovering educator

It has been a crazy, stressful week. And, after today, I will be in recovery mode. Today, 18 of my students are taking the GED exam. For those that don't know, the GED exam is really in five main subject areas: math, writing, science, social studies and reading (a.k.a. literature). Although, science, social studies, and reading are pretty straightforward, that does not mean that all the subject areas are that way. The writing portion is broken up into two parts: a 45 minute essay based off of a prompt and then a 50-question, multiple-choice part. In addition, the math area is also broken into two parts: one with a calculator and one where you are S.O.L.

I get a lot of mean looks from my students because I never let them use a calculator. I find that it's a big waste of time, especially when I have yet to meet a person who can't use a calculator for basic math (addition, subtraction, multiplication and division of whole numbers). So we try to spend more time sharpening their mental math skillz and the "how did i get that" information that will, hopefully, help them on their test.

Math, being the first test of the day, is always the hardest for my students. It's usually because they hate math and would rather be reading just about anything than doing anything remotely related to numbers (unless it's counting "paper" - I'll explain that another time.) Usually I get a variety of comments ranging from "that test was hard", "I didn't recognize anything on the test", and "I just guessed on all of them" to "I got the easy test", "I got at least a C on that joint" and (my personal favorite) "that test was easier than anything you ever gave us."

Now as we sink in for the "long haul" where they have already eaten lunch, they've gone to the bathroom, now they're settling down to read and answer 140 questions (pretty much) all in a row. I get to finally sit down and bask in the fact that no one is asking me for stuff. I don't have to pay attention. I can just relax.


...and finally eat my lunch!

Handling the tough stuff

It has been two very long weeks. Lately, I haven't felt like talking much, let alone actually typing and writing out any type of thoughts.

Recently, I have had to deal with something that feels quite alien to me: the passing away of a student. Most people would not have a problem with this, or, if they did, would be able to handle it easily.

I am not one of those people.

This is not something that I know how to deal with. Not to mention, it is an area that is shaded gray. I know how to feel when I loved one dies. Sad. Upset. Angry. Glad that they're not in pain anymore. They were close to me and I will look back fondly on our relationship.

Can't do that here.

Joe* was an excellent student. I remember the first day of class, he was so bored after completing a classwork assignment in under five minutes that I had to assign him three people to coach. He was bright, for sure, but also very reserved. He mostly kept to himself and only really interacted with people when it was necessary.

When we got to the more difficult math's (geometry, algebra and linear equations), he became the most attentive person. I would see him taking notes, answering questions, doing extra classwork, and very rarely did he finish an assignment as quickly as he finished that first one. He was a joy to teach. He never pestered me with silly questions, never complained and never turned in incomplete homework.

I saw him the day before he passed away. By then, he had already taken his G.E.D. exam. I was in the stride of a whole new class filled with new problems. He was sitting quietly at a lunch table. I said hello to him and smiled.

That was the last time I got to speak with him.

After recounting the events leading up to his passing, I noticed a couple of little things that were off about him but had written them off as a part of his introverted nature. Perhaps I was wrong. I wondered if I had done something wrong. Part of our jobs as teachers is to notice things that, normally, would go unnoticed.

I am sad to say that this man not only got his G.E.D. but also received the highest score in his class, making him our Valedictorian. I've been wracking my brain, trying to figure out something that we can do for him, to honor him. So far, everything that I've come up with sounds either too cheesy or too impossible to actually do.

In any case, it is just a little bit harder to understand the world when it feels like all the bright, talented and smart people are dying.





*The name has been changed for privacy reasons.

It's been a rough week here teaching. Although we had President's Day off, I have had at least two classes of incomplete class work assignments and incessant nagging from my students. At the end of my morning class, I snapped at my students "I do NOT want to hear anyone complain about when lunch is ever again!" I tried to make a dramatic exit out of the classroom.

It didn't work so well.

But, the "savior" for teachers everywhere (I presume) would be the feeling that they get on a Friday. I'd equate it how a runner feels when they can see the finish line. And, today, I am receiving a huge HEAP of that feeling. While we try and take each day as new, with no mistakes in it, I still feel like those days pile up on us until we can not even stand up and, guess what happens, we realize that we're finally to Friday.

Most days, I'm glad that I have a job, that I have friends at where I work, that my work is/seems meaningful (at least to those around me). Today, I feel some of those same feelings but, more importantly, I feel empowered.

Yesterday, I meticulously wrote out some new lesson plans and prepared classwork and homework assignments for both my classes. Most days, I just run out of a lesson plan book (of my own creation) that has 25 to 30 lesson plans and just use those. I've been "using" them for the past 3 years. They're practically memorized. I never actually have to look at them, I just take out the assignments to make copies when I need to. I follow the play book, usually, but I try to omit lesson plans wherever I can. It's so thorough that I never have to add anything.

But, this class is a little different and I've been trying out some new books and new ideas on how to teach...

Today, I'm breaking form.

Writing Creatively meets lovey-dovey

So, I have been enjoying looking to some of my favorite writers/bloggers for inspiration. Today, I've decided to bring out the big guns...someone whom I consider to be famous, Felicia Day (see Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog and various other projects.) You can check out her website/blog here.

Here is an excerpt:

It takes a very brave person to express themselves creatively. I know the paralyzing fear of being bad very well; it’s one of my greatest weaknesses. For years I had a voice inside me telling I “should” do this and I “should” do that, but I couldn’t overcome the possibility of being horrible to actually risk doing something about it. So I did nothing. And I loathed myself for my weakness.

Finally I had a strange realization that time passes whether you’re doing something with it or not. It would be easy to let every day go by easily with no risk and then, at the end of the day (my life), I would look back and realize that fear ruled me: At that point there would be nothing I could do about it. So, I got off my butt! It wasn’t easy and I had a lot of lapses (I still do) but the experience of being ruthless with myself was an amazing lesson to learn.


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She posted a lot of books that helped her, things that she tried, and many of those things stuck with me. Being as though I'm trying to write every day, today's writing prompt came from a website/book that she suggested by author C.M. Mayo. The book, Daily 5 Minute Writing Exercises, is pretty much exactly what it says it is. There are some amazingly awesome ideas in here, ones that I never would have ever thought to write about...It has been amazingly inspiring, terrifying, and has pushed me to look outside the box.

Today's writing exercise is taken from that website and will hopefully be interesting for you to read.

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February 13 "Message for a Stranger on February 14"
Today's exercise was inspired by an essay published yesterday in the Washington Post, by Canadian novelist Margaret Atwood. She wrote, "writing, like sewing, was always for someone, even if that someone was yourself in the future. Writing was a way of sending your voice to someone you might never meet." Imagine that tomorrow a stranger will pick up the scrap of paper on which you have written the following words:
(Note: this exercise is especially fun if you really do leave the scrap of paper somewhere for someone to find it-- perhaps on a park bench or in an elevator.)




Dearest,

If you're reading this, it means that I'm not there with you...at least I'm only there in spirit. I think the things that I will miss the most are when you brush your lips lightly against mine, when we dance around the kitchen like a bunch of goof balls, when you put your arms around me and kiss my neck.

I know that we're not separated because our love links us. Our life has been a mixture of dreams, fantasy and reality. You have always played the lead role, the love interest, the husband, the bad guy, the hero, and, in the end, the person I wanted to be with forever and ever.

Our love has stood the test of time...